Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I have decided to buy an extremely fast motorcycle

In my particular case, a 2009 Ducati Streetfighter w/custom pipes and high-flow airbox. as it is highly likely that I will take it for a 250+ MPH jaunt around the coast and off a limestone cliff into the ocean, I feel it fitting to pass on the basic rules necessary to survive longer then a week of owning such a machine.

I mean, shit, the damn thing looks like its doing ninety just sitting on the showroom floor.

without any further ado - Principles of Speedism as told by Hunter S. Thompson.

No. 1 - Make sure yr. vehicle is Functioning on all Mechanical & Electrical levels. Do not go out on any road to drive Fast unless all yr. exterior lights are working perfectly. There is only failure & jail very soon for anybody who tries to drive fast with one headlight or a broken red taillight. This is automatic, unargueable Probable Cause for a cop to pull you over & check everything in yr. vehicle. You do not want to give them Probable Cause. Check yr. lights, gas gauge, & tire pressure before you drive Anywhere.

No. 2 - Get familiar with the Brake pressures on yr. machine before you drive any faster than 10 mph. A brake drum that locks up the instant you touch the pedal will throw you sideways off the road & put you into a fatal eggbeater, which means you will Go To Trial if it happens. Be very aware of yr. brakes.

No. 3 - Have no small wrecks. If you are going to loop out & hit something, hit it hard. Never mind that old-school Physics bullshit about the Irresistible Force & the Immoveable Object. The main rule of the Highway is that Some Objects are More Moveable than Others. This occurs, for instance, when a speeding vehicle goes straight through a plywood billboard, but not when one goes through a concrete wall. In most cases, the vehicle going fastest sustains less damage than the slower-moving vehicle.

A Small Wreck is almost always both Costly and Embarrassing. I talked to a man tonight who said he had been demoted from Head-waiter to Salad Boy when he had a small wreck in the restaurant's parking lot and lost all respect from his fellow workers. "They laughed at me & called me an Ass," he said. "I should have hit the fucker at seventy-five, instead of just five," he whined. "It cost me $6,800 anyway. I would have been maitre d' by now if I'd screwed it on & just Mashed the bastard. These turds have made me an outcast."

No. 4 - (This is one of the more Advanced rules, but let's pop it in here while we still have space.) Avoid, at all costs, the use of Any drug or drink or Hubris or even Boredom that might cause you to Steal a car & crash it into a concrete wall just to get the Rush of the airbags exploding on you. This new fad among rich teenagers in L.A. is an extremely Advanced Technique that only pure Amateurs should try, and it should never be done Twice. Take my word for it.

No. 5 - The eating schedule should be as follows: Hot fresh spinach, Wellfleet Oysters, and thick slabs of Sourdogh garlic toast with salt & black peepper. Eat this two hours before departure, in quantities as needed. The drink should be Grolsch green beer, a dry oaken-flavored white wine & tall glass full of ice cubes & Royal Salute scotch whiskey, for the supercharge factor.

Strong black coffee should also be sipped while eating, with dark chocolate cake soaked in Grand Marnier for dessert. The smoking of oily hashish is optional and in truth Not Recommended for use before driving at speeds up to 150 mph in residential districts. The smoking of powerful hashish should be saved until after yr. return from the drive, when nerve-ends are crazy & raw.

Bearing these simple truths in mind, I expect you all to go an cash in yr. personal debts, take out a loan from yr. bank and invest in something lightweight, made out of carbon fibre and aluminium and capable of at least 200MPH on the straightaway, going nought to the ton in under four seconds. Avoid passengers & screaming bitches in the passenger seat that will throw out your balance.

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