Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Australia: We Will Motherfucking Eat You

The name "Australia" stems from the latin 'Terra Australia Automobile', meaning "Holy shit it's a lion get in the car". Up until only a few hundred years ago, the sole occupants of the Australian continent were a race of hyper-intelligent ants that had come from space to bring prosperity to earth. They were promptly eaten by niggers coming across a land bridge from Polynesia, who mistook their compact fusion modules for bloated sacks of honey. Following their rapid extinction at the hands of the invading newcomers, came the first white settlers. Riding motorcycles and giant whales, they were mainly criminals from england who had been arrested for not being snobby enough, and sentenced to colonise this new and bountiful land. Most of them are still wondering when the punishment starts.

The cultural landscape of Australia faced a major turning point in 1885 when giant humpback whales were deemed illegal for use in V8 Supercar competitions. The economy, largely built on the export of high-octane nitroblubber, crashed hard. The resulting depression shaped Australia permanently, instilling in them the spirit of mateship, of the hard go, and the eating of rats. It is for this reason that the Australian coat of arms includes the Humpback whale, and at Albany in Western Australia, you can visit a museum built from the last racing whale garage to operate on Australian soil (the notorious offshore whale yards ran illegally for the next decade or so until finally being stamped out).

Settlers in Australia lived a tough life. The primary interests at the time were gold, wool and wheat, so when Doctor Kellogs opened the first wheat mine in Iowa, Australia compensated for the loss in business by developing the gold farm. By careful husbandry of the steel wool-giving 'Ferrino" ram, they were able to breed a sheep with golden fleece. This ushered in a new age of peace and prosperity, until some wog bastards in a little wooden ship came over and nicked it. That simple event sparked a fuse which eventually ignited the famous Cronulla Riots - Remembered by all, and immortalised by the phrase. "We shall fight them on the beaches... With trolley poles and a broken stubbie!"

The flora of Australia consists of wild blackboys, spinifex grass and dirt. Australian fauna comprises over four hundred species of venomous snakes, sixteen hundred venomous arthropods, two venomous mammals, twenty dangerous eagles, two deadly flightless birds and several dozen very, very angry species of assorted mammals with axes to grind. After the rabbit-proof fence was enacted in 1901 to commemorate two hundred years of federation, indigenous 'natives' evolved into the common Australian icon of Kangaroos, in order to bound the fence and the dole-line, and also to better fight with police. Every animal native to australia can and will kill you if you give it a moment's notice. There are many imported species, and luckily, most of them settle for stealing your job and waylaying norwegian cargo ships.

Suffice to say, only the strong survive in Australia. With spiders the size of a small suckling pig, strange mutant beaver-ducks with venomous spines and an ostrich that can disembowel you with velociraptor-like precision, Australian men have adapted to a hitherto-unseen standard of manliness. The path to an Australian primary school is sown with barbed wire, broken glass and old syringes, and unless the children can kill a crocodile with their bare hands, skin it with their teeth and craft a rudimentary pair of boots, they go unschooled, and quickly die. Australian cowboys grew tired of chasing cows on big flat plains, so they let wild stallions loose on mountains and ran their horses up and down eighty degree inclines until the horse caught fire or exploded, as was common with the cheap chinese imported horses they used - This was the origin of the modern 'burn-out', and for some time it was a common sight to see a crowd of young men in leather coats, crowded around a young brumby, hooves and knee joints billowing clouds of smoke as it's rider drove it in tight circles around the woolworth's carpark.

Common pastimes of the Australian public are 'Aussie Rules Football', which is a variant on the French game Rochembeau. Aspiring champions take turns kicking each other in the nuts with scorpions taped to their feet until somebody passes out. A death is considered highly unsporting, and very rude, as it ruins the game for the next guy in line. Rugby is gaining popularity, though it is harder to keep the scorpions on the try line. Australian culturan tourism attractions can be classified into one of three categories: Big rocks (Example: Uluru, Wave Rock), Big holes (great Australian Bight, Limestone Caves of W.A) or ridiculously oversized fruits (E.g The big bannana, Shannon Noll, etc...)

Australian wines are widely respected as some of the best in the world, the recent export vintage 2005 'Cabernet Sauvingoon' of the Barossa valley was highly sought after in the professional racing circuit overseas as an effective antifreeze AND topical cure for athlete's foot.

Surely, with such a rich and varied heritage of bad-assery and fighting for your life on a daily basis, one would expect Australia to soar in future years! Godspeed, Australia! And good luck!

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