Thursday, June 18, 2009

Rationalise this.

What does it mean when the only sane explanation is that you, yourself, are completely insane?
cut down and cast aside
i sow friends like wild corn and burn them when the summer comes - raking through the ashes trying to find the ring i dropped last spring during the harvest season.

I can't do it. I can't keep this up. I don't know how long they've been following me, but these mudtongued demons that plague and snap at my heels, they catch my clothes and tear at my eyes when I blink - when the darkness bursts in like hot dry, stale echoes - They whisper my name and laugh at my feeble attempts to keep my footing,, to stay afloat, to stop from falling into oblivion.

Logical reasoning - I hate myself. Why else would I put myself out there, time and time again, and TRUST HUMAN SCUM who have NEVER done anything but HURT, LIE AND STEAL from me. I hate you all. I hate myself. I alienate the people I should be keeping close. I focus on the wrong things, chase the wrong dogs from dark alleys and wind up but nothing to show for it but another scar and a little bit less of my mind to rely on. Why else would I treat my body like this? Hypocrisy, too many drugs and not enough sleep, poor diet and forced solitude?

She was right, you see, but for the wrong reasons. I don't think it's immaturity. It's just cowardice and the inability to man up and fucking shoot myself already, so I'm doing my best to kill myself slowly and accidentally, while deperately maintaining this facade of I'm-in-control.

I'm not.

i've lost my balance

and I'm falling down a well.

Every time I try and fix something I just make it worse for myself, and dig deeper into the patience of those who care about me - Who, i might add, are dropping like flies, through my own doing and others.

I know what this is. This is where I was in year ten. This, is what the doctors call [i]bipolarism[/i], with self-destructive tendencies. I can feel it, and I know when I'm not altogether there, but that doesn't mean I pay any attention. I make decisions on impulse, and fifteen minutes later know I've done the wrong thing but pride stops me from going back, from apologising, or frmo pulling out of a deal.

I hate this place. I hate you. I hate myself. I don't care what you think any more. This is not some self-righteous cry for pity. This is a brief section of insight so you all (however few still bother following my self-induged dribblings) can understand precisely why I pulled the trigger.

Click? Click? Click.

Live another day. Better luck next time. Give it another twelve hours and I'll have regretted this post, those actions, and be thanking whoever was looking out for me. Not long after I'll be rummaging again for cold metal comfort.

i shall go and rummage my room for more drugs. I can still breathe, and that won't do at all.


Anonymous said...

it may surprise you to know, there's some of us who barely know you, but have learned volumes from you. And then there's even people like me, so continue to read your dribblings, and continue to indulge in at least your quick wit and metaphorical play.

however insignificant that thought may be to you

Pandemonium_of_the_bete_noire said...

It both pains me and joys me to hear these things come from your thoughts; and although I have not been there for you, whether you particularly care or whether you're glad that i have been so absent lies irrelevant at this point.

The fact that you can see that these things are becoming more and more frequent in your life means that you're not a lost cause, the first step to doing something about a life you hate is realising how much you fucking hate it...

So stop. there is nothing suggesting that you have to continue.
If you get anything out of this at all- just because I'm not around doesn't mean I'm not waiting for the call to come around...

I stay away because you told me too, not because I've forgotten about you.

Jamie said...

Self pity's a good time until you see a way out

Guerrilla Mind-Fuck said...

Its obscure to find something that really sums you up at a point in life, but you didn't write it. Zolof 100mg i no longer take, and as such, i can feel the same as you. The desperate search through the room to alleviate the pain, i understand. We are more alike in someways than i would have thought through our occasional conversations in the city, and after you gave me the link here, i have developed a new respect and profound interest in you and your deeply personal experiences. I would love to have another chat in the city soon, now that i feel i have a little more of a grip on your psyche.