Monday, June 29, 2009

Chasing fractals.

It is the strangest feeling to watch time travelling backwards and forwards, expanding and contracting like reality itself is breathing. To watch bursts of truth and dream unravel at the speed of thought, construct and deconstruct around you.

To know who you are, but not know where you are, or who anyone else is. To want to die. To see the world through someone else's eyes.

Those of you who weren't there, this probably won't make much sense to, but then again, I imagine word will spread pretty sharpish. And there wil be rumours. Oh yes, the rumours. I haven't heard them all yet, but I've heard a couple. And i guess, I can't say for certain what really happened because I myself don't entirely know, but I can tell you what was going on in my head.

Bottom line? I ate too much acid. I lost my shit. i can't say precisely how much that was, because I don't entirely know, but up to a point, everything was going fine. I'd started with the risne from one vial. I danced for a while, about 45 minutes later I wasn't feeling much, but gave it some more time. Another half hour and I had two more. Things started getting a bit better. Another 45 and I had the last one. Things were perfect after that. Bliss, total joy. I could hear colour, taste the bass and my entire world reverberated. it was heavenly - I thought to myself, "This must be what heaven is like", and that I pitied anyone else who wasn't here with me. because it was the single greatest experience of my life.

Then it all went strange. I ate a tab - I don't know what kind it was, but by the description of the people who sold it to me ("big, light coloured border and writing on the back") it sounded like one of the anniversary hofmann's - notoriously unpredictably strong. Whatever it was, it was one too many, because not long after that everything went wrong.

I don't know what set me off. but I think i went to wake up belle, because she was missing cosm's set. And then, I turned around, and everyone was looking at me. laughing. I don't know why. I knew it was the trip - that it couldn't really be happening, but yeah, that didn't stop whatever happened. I fell inside my head, and woke up in a dream world. Every now and then, I'd snap out of it for a second and realise that I was at the doof, and out of control - And i'd say so, I'd beg for help - But then just as quickly I fall out of my concious mind again, and whatever was going on in my head did not reflect what was going on in the real world. I can remember being at the foot of a hill, and at the top I could see my sanity, and I climbed to try and get to it, but as I did I was beset my beings from other worlds who were trying to pull me down. Suddenly, the illusion broke, and I realised I was trying to climb onto the stage from behind, and I was being tackled by peopel trying to help. I was on the ground, and then back to the dream world, where voices were telling me I had to have courage, i had to earn my sanity and prove that I deserved it- I had to fight to get it. So i fought. And I flailed. I bit and scratched. And a part of me could see my body doing these horrible things and was screaming at me to stop.

but I was trapped. Priusoner in my own body. I couldn't stop, I couldn' control it, but I tried to damn fucking hard to just lay still and relax. There were beings around me, otherworlds spirits who took the form of my friends and peers, because that way I'd be more incl;ined to lisen to them. They lectured me on the nature of reality, and on the afterlife - I saw it, I saw nirvana and the pure white bliss that awaited me if I made it through this alive and kept my soul intact. And then, I would bounce between that peace, to reality, and then to hell - Where I saw my violence, and my rage, and what it was doing to people. And when I was violent, the voices would say I wasn't ready. I would calm, for a moment, and then lapse through the cycle yet again.

I can remember hearing my voice pouring ou gibberish and nonsense, words I didn't mean, words I meant but in the wrong order, everything coming out. And then the screaming. I had to drown out the noise. I had to escape from my body through my mouth, to let my soul out.

I wish I knew what happened. I wish I knew why it happened.

I wish I knew what to do now.


stupid noob said...

I'm sorry this happened to you, I can only imagine, but this is why I choose to trip in the dark mellow quiet of my own home, especially for large doses. You know better than anyone the unpredictable nature of these drugs.

bezzajade said...

I don't know what to say exactly, I'm just glad you made it out ok *hugs*

Empty Monochrome. said...

Scarey, isn't it?
You, who seem to be always in control and shaking your head at kids who eat too much, 'they don't have strong enough minds'.
Well. It happens to the best of us.

Overwhelming, the knowledge and experience gained may be, but you're a better man because of it.

Know this.

N.R said...

maybe. Probably. A better man.

You understand that if you let this ever happen again, it's all over.
For you, For me, For the hope we've created for Psyentists, The belief that we can and will honour Dr. Hoffman's everlasting memory, here within the very same group which have known each other since high school...
For the Doofers.
For our friends, who may or may not doof, or live in the same town.
For everyone we've sold to, For everyone we've educated.

It would all come to nothing.

Because no one believes what you said in the past, if you go crazy in the future.
It would write off all achievements.

"Yeah, he did say that, but look at him now, he's craaaaaaaaaaazy".

I imagine you've spent the time since it happened considering exactly what i've just said.
But i've written it anyway. Not just for you, but for anyone else who feels their grip slipping.

And I've written it, because no eloquence, excuse, or otherwise superior wit to mine can any longer deny,
that it's hard to be fucking sure what will happen next anymore!

Paranoid Android said...

And it's the strangest most surreal thing watching this happen to a friend, not knowing what will happen next or the thoughts running through the persons head, being a total outsider, only able to view from a distance, unable to help.

It was a crazy morning to say the least.

I'm not ashamed that you lost your shit, I'm ashamed that you'd eat that much to begin with knowing full well what the likely consequences would be. I would have thought you would have known better, and learnt from others mistakes. Practiced what you preached and been more responsible with your drug use. No body is indestructable. That said I'm sure you know all this, and I'm not here to lecture you.

I don't really think you need to be worrying about what to do now. Unfortunately these things happen when we take drugs. Simple as that.

I hope that you aren't feeling too emotionally strained from all of this and I hope you've learnt from this experience, and I'm sure you have.

In a few weeks once you've heard all the tales, you'll look back on this and laugh hysterically about what a douche you were and so will the rest of us. Haha.

Stay safe man.
You'll do alright.