with every gauge pushed deep into the red - overpressure, o-rings bursting and membranes rotting. insulation melting on the wires, threatening to catch as it smoulders and drips polyvinyl agony onto my joints, the ferroceramic grating with carbon buildup. the heat is too much to deal with, i can hear rivets popping out of their housing as they expand and split the seams, spreading swarf into the circuits that line my gut. That's where this feeling is coming from - This dull, dry loathing that is spreading like dust in my lungs. Played against the sharp electric desire sparkling in my heart, the short-circuit falsefeeling that i KNOW is useless to feel, but fuck that I'm going to feel it anyway.
I hate myself. It is the only logical explanation for why I would continue to put myself through this time and time again.
Elektra came back into my life suddenly, and just as suddenly, I pushed her away. Why? This girl, this beautiful, clever, unique girl who wants nothing more then to be there for me and have a good time with no strings attached. I pushed her away. Why?
Well, there's the answer again. In my head I tell myself a string of reasons, from that I don't have the headspace for a girlfriend with all this business shit going down, or that we just don't 'connect', but that isn't true. It's because of the princess, and because of my own self loathing. I found something Ic an't have, so naturally, I must destroy myself trying to get it. it is strange - To be able to clinically analyse this reasoning, understand it, and yet be completely unable to do anything about it. I need to get over her, because it's obviously not going to happen any time soon and my fucking emo bullshit isn't going to make this fun for anyone.