Sunday, February 1, 2009

Lost in the woods.

Emotion is not a lightswitch. You cannot fall in and out of love. These things don't stop and start without some incredible emotional upset.

You can stop loving yourself. When you do, you need someone else to show you the path of light. But if you love someone else? Love means forever. Love means seeing the faults and seeing the problems and still loving. Love is unconditional and undying and love. is. forever.

it's one of those words that if you say it enough it stops making sense. Like 'fork' or 'book'.

not being able to say you love someone doesn't mean you don't care for them. Doesn't mean you don't want to be there for them. it just means you place more weight on it then they do.

I do love her. I know this because even though she has eaten a tiny part of me forever, I still want things to work. And that's more then jsut a reactionary thing to having lost something I thought was secure in my life. Because if that was the case, the feelings would be very... constant.

This isn't. I polarise, between rage and misery and love and angst and apathy and nonchalance and sickness. I cried when she told me she didn't love me any more. I puked when I saw her laying next to another guy. I screamed at the sky when she told me I needed to find love in myself.

Every time I think about that doof I break whatever I'm holding. Every time I think about her, my brain drops whatever pieces of my heart it's holding.

it takes time to tell someone you love them. It's jsut a shame they couldn't wait that long. That the first better option that came along also turned out to be such a giant douchebag. It breaks my heart to see her so hurt, but it hurts even more to know that even though he was using her, even though I love her and am trying to fix what was wrong, she still can't find it in herself to say it back.

Everything's backwards. When things were at their worst with us, before this whole thing. We'd be together, she'd be two steps behind because I was always hurrying. She'd have to start everything - Instigate our connections, when or where we'd meet up, when we'd touch or kiss. She'd tell me how it hurt her to not hear the words back, to not feel in me what she knew I was making her feel.

it's because she said those things that I have hope.

Hope that I'm not that person any more.

Hope that someday she'll be who she wants to be.

I have hope because I know she didn't do any of this maliciously. She didn't sleep with him to get back at me. She's not vindictive, not without due cause.

She's not avoiding me because she wants me to feel what its like. She says these things because she means them.

it hurts. It hurts more then anything I've ever felt before, about anyone, or anything. More then physical torment, worse then any emotional heartache I've had before.

She says she doesn't love me any more. I don't believe ehr, because love is forever.

Either she never loved me, or she just isn't ready to admit she loves me still.

She says that something's gone, something's changed... if anything's gone, she took it away, but somehow I still wind up being the one apologising every time we hang up on each other.

She wants space to figure out who she was. I want her to have space, because I think she needs this. I jsut don't want to see her fall into a pit of hedonism, absolute solitude and self-loathing.

but I can't stop her if she wants to. I have to let go now, and wait and watch and jsut hope she'll be okay.

I'm walking through the woods in the dark. i don't know where I'm going, I don't know when I'll get there, all I know is that when i get there I'll be alone in the cold and the dark until someone else finds me.

I know we'll never be together again. Just writing that sentence is bringing tears to my eyes. Anyone who knows me... Knows that this is real.

I just wish she did too.

1 comment:

madhattersyndrome said...

And everyone who knows you knows you're fucking shattered.
So you don't need to stand proud about it.
We can see through that, we know you too well.

He would look rather attractive with shard of guitar sticking out of him, I'm sure that would be rather satisfying, but go for the satisfaction that will hold the least amount of regret in the future.