I cannot, for the life of me, understand why i tolerated this for so long. I am a psyentist. I approach my world with open arms and open mind, but I do not subscribe to baseless specualation, I do not act on whims and them blame it on fate. To play games with the heart is the domain of children, and to then patronise those you toy with - As if they somehow cannot comprehend the mysterious workings of your god - Is downright insulting.
I never have been content to spend my life working in a tireless, thankless, meaningless job, nor to fill my lungs with cone after lungwrenching cone of greenish cannabinoid haze - I've always hough of myself as something of a social shark. Not in the predatory, hidden-fear kinda way, not because I feel like I have ice hiding in my pupils and you can see the colour of space somewhere behind them - But because I need to keep moving or I will die. Stagnation and complacemency is the bane of evolution - When you are happy you want to stay happy. You will not want to change anything, to explore your life.
I revel in this misery, as I force the future across my gills.
I have reached astonishing clarity in my life, though a mindbending combination of megadosing certain water-soluble vitamins, intelligence enhancers, neurotransmitter analogues and essential amino acids. Also a large amount of amphetamines.
I can't be too angry, really. Humans will be so painfully human, and children will be so painfully childish. I can't let myself get caught up, dragged down and torn to pieces in the feeding frenzy.
I embrace love, and light, and colour. I know what these words mean. I breathe deep and seek peace, I smoke until my throat bleeds and drop capsule after capsule of exotic enzyme modulators, the kind of things the military experimented with for a while until it was determined that they were irreversibly searing the corpus callosum of their test subjects - But, I feel, that with the appropriate neuroprotective regimen of antioxidants and biogenic polyphenols, such as I am presently undertaking, I should be more then fine.
I can feel the subwoofer in my chest, keeping the beat while the thereman in my frontal lobe warps time and space.
I can taste my thoughts.
Bring me the party. Throw me a bone. Get on board the almighty steamboat as we chug merrily towards oblivion.
In a week or two, once I can see how this regimen is going to treat me, I think I shall start dabbling in megadose psychedelics, just for funsies. About twenty-two hundred mikes should be a good start, probably with some cimetidine and harmala alkaloids. A little magnesium to taste and with any luck, I should be able to see through time.
Long live the istigkeit!