Sunday, May 24, 2009

I just won the game.

Realisation came suddenly, with the biting edge like the winter wind that descended so swiftly on this little city - So unexpected, so shocking and almost painful, and yet, so welcomed.

I broke the loop, you see. How is it often said? You can't win, you can't break even, and you can't stop playing. Well, I won the game. I'd dug myself a hole five miles deep and two feet wide, and I was staring up at a pinhole - But now, I beat the punchline to the punch, pulled myself out and found an amber spyglass at the top, through which I can see, clearly - The scanner is not reflecting myself, I thought I saw purity but really I saw asymmetrical perfection. The interpretation of a reality so close to mine, so close to where I want mine to be that I thought it was mine, but no, this is a future far more fulfilling and healthy, for that matter.

She made me realise, you see, that there are no loops on acid. You don't run in circles. you simply start a thought, and, partway through, get distracted by some shiny flying fractal and derail your train of thought. Then, once back on track, you need to start all over again. You get distracted again, and the cycle repeats - Never to reach conclusions, and it feels like you're just chasing your tail. So you're not stuck in the 'loop', white rabbit, you're just starting over and over again - And with the right application of concetration and peacefullness, one can eventually get to the end of that pathway, that mind track, and reach a conclusion.

And conclusions I have wrought. As you say, you still wants to be friends - Regrets come swiftly, it seems, but such suggestions decry an intense emotional naivety, the theme of our relationship pageant - Wrought out down the main streets, loud, brash and colourful for the whole world to see as we pulled each other to bits. I'm not saying I hate her, quite the opposite - But to assume that everything can be peachy-keen after still barely a fortnight, that I can return and all will be well, that we can all hang out and have super-awesome sessions and sit around dribbling shit... To suggest such actions is either naivety to the nth, or it means that all is not as well as she hoped it would be.

Either way, I have no time for it. I have, in a word, found my Elektron (It's all greek to me, do you understand? haha!) and we orbit each other, for now indefinetly.

She likes escalators, cheap red wine and wants to learn to cook speed. She is real - She is human. She is true compassion, not this face-on facade of peace and spirituality, corrupted to allow you to do whatever you wish in the name of God. Debate all you will - You have the right intentions but the wrong implementation. it is never about the final destination, it's about the journey and who you walk beside along the way. You might end up in the 'right' place, but you have taken the wrong path and eventually you will again walk alone. When you do, remember my words. I'll always be here when (and not if) you need to connect with someone again, but it will not, and cannot be in the same way hence. love is a powerful word - One I don't bandy around without truly meaning it - And I meant it every time. I do love you, Angie. But the part of me that loves you, you have consumed. You keep it in a jar on your shelf, whether you mean to or not. I think one day you will let it out, or even bring it to my yourself...

But when that time comes... Will I accept your gift? I know that in the six months we were in love, I grew so much and yet so little. I am, now, who I need to be - And it is time for me to do what I need to do.

Here comes the chemistry - Debate insipid reality against inspired fantasy - try and figure out which world you're living in.


NewUseForVintage said...

BAM! Revelation.
Welcome to the new world friend.

Valgaror said...


I'm sorry, this comment has nothing to do with your post and I actually didn't read the thing yet, I'm just glad I found you. It's been a while.

Headless Insanity said...

This is good.
You were kind of stuck in a loop back there.
It's lovely to see you like this.