Slash and burn tactics cleanse pain from memory, the good times contrasted against the bad times, reflected in a puddle of crocodile tears and pseudoemotion. I see through a scanner, clearly, but the lense is cracked and every day the fissure changes its place. It seems like every twelve hours my life backflips and everything is plunged into shit. I'll spend fifteen minutes huddled in the foetal position sobbing, I'll chainsmoke until I cough blood, and then I'm on top of the world for most of the day.
Unless someone mentions her name.
but y'know, I'm not going to get too stuck into it all. This is not the place.
What this is the place for is to demonstrate, explain and try to imagine the future. Things in my life have taken a definite turn - I couldn't say for the worse, though they have - Because for every major downturn there's a major upturn. I stand now, alone, relishing the cold and bitter night because I goddamn refuse to put a sweater on, just to spite my mother. I like it. it reminds me I'm alive.
So on the whole, my life is just turning. Corners, hairpins, and hopefully not rolling into a ditch.
I'm not going to tell you everything about why my life is shitty right now - I already did to someone once today and I reaised how goddamn pathetic I sounded, and realised that if I could talk to myself six months ago, past-Dr. would slap me in the face and tell me to harden the fuck up. Conversely I'm not going to tell you why my life is awesome right now - it might ruin things that are still slowly clicking into place and growing to motion.
It's time to capitalise on this - I think I hate myself, so I'm willing to take stupid risks and engage in self destructive behaviour. I'm emotionally vulnerable, so it's easy to pick up on the emotions of those plants and beings around me. And i'm resolved to take my music into the public eye, break into the scene. I'm just going to be the best goddamn Me I can be, maximise the oppurtunities that lay in front of me without having to dwell on insecurities or perpetually complain about emotive issues.
Who knows? maybe two or three or fifteen years down the track we'll meet up again and things might work better. I'm not holding my breath though. In the past six months I have evolved more then i have in the prior eighteeen years. I cannot for the life of me imagine where I will be in six months time from now, but I have some basic points I know I want to enforce -
1. Be playing regular sets at doofs
2. For the project to be well and truly underway
3. Have saved enough cash for Rainbow Serpent 2010.
These aims, I do not think, are very far out of my reach. Onwards, then. Into the istigkeit.