Saturday, July 4, 2009

Sometimes, I don't know why I bother.

People will always be people. Humanity is so definitively predictable that you would have to be batshit star-crossed to suspect, even for a moment, that they will behave the way you want them to.

I want to slap myself. I need to stop talking myself into feelings for people, and start remembering what it feels like to actually fall for someone.

When you get that little chunk of emotion pulled out of you, that plug in the bath of your love, you feel it drain away and wonder if it will ever refill. If you'll ever heal right. but until you do, nothing stays put. It just drains away, drains away in languid circles. if you turn the tap on hard enough, you can still fill the bath faster then it can empty, but eventually you remember that you chose to turn that tap on.

The doll, so childlike and innocent, is just that. She would never choose to hurt someone, but she might not realise that she just did. Safety, sensible choices, and caution are MY constructs, and I shouldn't have applied them to someone who I guess I really don't know that well at all. I'm not angry. I'm just... disappointed in myself for letting it build up in my head and blind me to the woman who has always been there for me. I cannot believe I actually pushed her away because I wanted to be with Belle.

I don't know what to do. I'm stuck between two bridges, and I set one alight weeks ago, but its been smouldering silently. The other I can see was never strong enough to hold me in the first place, and I'm probably lucky I didn't try to cross it. I just hope I can get back before the fox burns to ash, and I'm left only with the taste of smoke and tears in the air.

I'm so fucking weary. I just want to go home.


Mollyfox. said...

i'll see you soon.
We'll sort things out, at lest get us back to being.. good rather than okay and messy.

Bridges can always be repaired.

N.R said...

Fucking Engineers.

Or was it
Engineers Fucking.