why do I sabotage everything I love?

[warning - contains explicit details on my ridiculous series of personal failures I jokingly call my love life. if you don't care or don't want to know, don't read it. but I have to write it.]

so right when i thought I really might be connecting with belle, when we might be about to get somewhere

i blow it by flirting with this other chick over sms for no real reason other then to pass the time.

and then because I'm feeling like complete shit over the situation
i explain it to both the best and worst person to explain it to - the personw ho has always been straight with me and knows who i am and what i need, but also the person who would probably stand to be the most hurt by hearing about me trying to date someone other then her and then hurting them along the way anyway

so i'm a fucking idiot, basically.

but i'm trying to fix things

i wanted to talk to belle, tell her in person how I felt instead of on the phone, or on msn. look into her eyes and explain everything. i've been back in the city for maybe two hours, just got home from the airport and I head over to hers to see her. I told her why I wanted to see her, she said yeah, i could come over.

i get there and she's sitting on the couch holding hands with rory. She barely says a word to me, except for 20 minutes later, when I tell her I'm going home (because I know if i stay any longer I'm either going to burst into tears or break someone's wrist, probably my own) she says 'it was nice to see you again'.

This is maybe two or three days after she was telling me how she wished I'd never gone away, how much she missed me, how much she cared for me.

i don't know why its turning out this way but it's NOT how it was supposed to happen. Did she say I should come over so i could feel how much it hurts to see someone you want to be with, with someone else? did she just not have the heart to tell me to stay home? did she not care?

one of the biggest points that came out of my acid catharsis at the last doof was the following:

Life's a party. Fucking relax. If you try and control everything you'll just mess it all up. Go with the flow and things will sort themselves out

I forgot that. I was trying to control things.

I can't force her to want to be with me. but when she says she does?

i just don't know how to take all of this. i left her place and texted her saying i didn't want to be a part of her life because she obviously didn't want me in it either

an d then a couple hours later texted her saying that when she wanted me in her life I'd be there for her.

i'm pathetic. i keep reacting. never planning, never thinking ahead. just living in the moment. i can't stop this cycle, it's like I'm running down a hill, and only just barely managing to keep my feet underneath me

i need to slow down, take a step back.

i don't want to pressure her into trying to make a decision when she's clearly not ready

i just feel like...

it's not like she's sitting in the middle trying to choose between me and rory. it's more like rory has come back into her life, picked up where he left off and she's trying to decide whether to leave him for me or not. and if I don't make my presence known, she'll never want to take the hard way out because she's happy now

but she won't be happy forever

people never change, and if they get back together, he will hurt her again

i just want to make her happy.

but if that means stepping back until she's learnt another lesson then maybe that's what it will take.

belle, if you read this... I just want you to think about what roads lie ahead of you

nobody deserves to be alone. but just because you're not with me doesn't mean you have to be with him. if you don't want to be with me, say so. but don't tell me one thing then do another. that just hurts, and I don't deserve that.

you told me you've never met any guy who actually expresses his feelings as well as I do.

so why do you have so much trouble believing me when i tell you you're beautiful?

you're unique, beautiful and breathtaking. you are like no other person i've ever met and you deserve the world.

I wanted to be the guy that could give it to you. If I'm not, then that's my problem...

but do you really think he's what you need? he's what you want - security, familiarity, an enigma that you know by touch and by smell... But what makes you happy now is only going to hurt more later

I can't predict the future. And I can't say I'll be there for you if or when he hurts you again

all i can say is that I'm here now

and i'm going to leave you alone for as long as it takes for me to get over you or you to get over rory.

but I know which one you want to happen

because you've told me you want it.

you don't give yourself enough credit, doll. You're stronger then just rolling over and taking the easy way out.

i just wish you could see that like I do.

so yeah, that's it I suppose. I'm going to leave you to your world because I'm clearly not helping you make up your mind by forcing my way into it. If you ever actually want to speak to me again, I'll be waiting, though.

~abayo