1. Insects do not enjoy tobacco smoke as much as I do

2. I should not attempt to clear a hornet's nest from my roof with plastic explosives

3. The fire chief's name is not 'Big Red'

4. He also knows where I live, and am not to be caught within 100 feet of a gas barbecue with liquid oxygen ever again

5. A box full of spiders is not an acceptable birthday present for my mother

6. Attempting to live off tequila and mi goreng for a week will results in me no longer knowing who I am or where I live

7. The above is not an acceptable excuse for informing my arresting officer that I am 'The Man With No Name'

8. K-Mart does not carry depleted uranium

9. Call-in radio competitions are not a soapbox

10. A petrol station is the wrong place to set off fireworks